Thursday, April 28, 2011

This is not Daniel Murphee

Ok, so I'm going to go off on a tangent rant here, but for cryin' out loud!  For the last six months we are besieged by phone calls at least twice a day looking for a poor guy (or maybe he's a criminal or a man on the run from his bills or his ex-wife or his seventeen girlfriends or his pizza delivery man) by the name of Daniel Murphy or Murfee or Murphee and/or lately Daniel Fager or Fayger or whatever the pronunciation sounds like.  The caller doesn't spell poor Daniel's last name.

And it's always an automated call with various British accents.  I wish I could type a British Accent here for you all to enjoy, it's so crisp and clear and so very, very um........Tea & know how for some reason people with British Accents always sound so Formal and Cool.  (Ok, they sound that way to me.)

"This telephone call is for....pause, pause, pause.....Daniel.....pause pause pause....Murphy.  If this is .....pause, pause, pause....Daniel.....pause, pause, pause....Murphy.... please press 1 now.  If this is not.....pause, pause, pause, Daniel.....pause, pause, pause,  Murphy,  please press 2 now."

Then, since these calls almost always go to the answering machine, and no one is pushing any buttons (except mine) the British Voice continues:

"By continuing to listen to this call you are confirming you are...............Daniel.......................Murphee.  If you are not.................Daniel..................Murphee........please do not listen to the rest of this message."

But I do listen to the rest of this message and it doesn't make any sense.  They want poor Daniel...........Murphee/Murfee/Murphy to Please call them back at this number.

And I have.  

Turns out the wonderful British caller is from  a collection agency, and apparently the slick... Daniel.....Murphy......has given them my phone number to call to collect on their debt.

What a weasel Daniel Murphy is turning out to be, we are no longer feeling sorry for him.

So, we have made many phone calls back to this number where we reach an 'agent' who says, "May I have the number the call was placed to?  I am sorry, we do not have that number in our listings.  Has someone from this number called recently to remove this number from our listings?  If you have, the number has probably been removed.  If you do receive this call again, please call me, Adrian, at extension 4145."

SO, this morning here we go again with my good ol' British Caller looking for you know who, and I get right back on the phone and call the number I was given and the extension.  Of course the extension number rings and rings and RINGS so I hang up and redial the original number only to get a very bored-sounding Kristin on the line.

"This call may be monitored for Quality Control purposes.  How may I help you?"

I've made this call before and have always remained polite, but today is something else again.  Today it is 40 dang degrees out with a light mist falling and my garden needs tending, my dogs need walking, my house needs cleaning and I was down in the basement when the phone call came in checking to make sure there was no more water problems down there and I did a headlong dash taking the steps two at a time, propelling my ample carcass at breakneck speed just to end up answering the phone to find it's the British Lady calling for that Dumb Fool Daniel Murphy again?!

SO, today I am not so polite, today I am a little bit ornery.  "Yes, Kristin, I am calling to request my phone number be removed from your call list.  Your company keeps calling requesting to speak to a Daniel Murphee and this is not his number."

"What is the number you are calling from?"

I give the number.  (She clearly does not believe I am not Daniel...........Murphee.......I can tell by the bored, I've-heard-it-all-before tone in her voice, which by the way, is NOT British.) 

"That number is not showing up on our records.  Did you recently speak with another representative?  It is possible your number was removed."

"Yes, I spoke with Adrian on Monday.  The extension she gave me to call was #4145.  There was no answer at that extension.  And if my number was removed, why is your company still calling me every day, Kristen?"

"I have no idea Ma'am.   We do not have a representative named 'Adrian' employed with our company, nor do we have an extension #4145."

Now she's getting all huffy with me.  How dare I call THEM and tell them I spoke with a Fictional Person named Adrian? But I DID speak with an Adrian and that WAS the number she gave me to call.  Argh.

Wait a minute, back up the bus.........I am not the Crackpot here.  THEY are!!!

I lost it.  I  put on my Best British Accent, trying to make myself sound like I was straight out of Buckingham Palace with a teapot and scones perched on my lap:

"Please stop calling this number, Kristen.  Daniel...................Murphee........does not live here.  I do not know Daniel..............Murphee.........nor do I intend to meet him at any point in the foreseeable future."

"Ma'am, your number is not on this listing, and I am going to terminate this call.  Have a nice day."  Click.

Emphasis on the 'nice'.

This ain't over yet.

...................Daniel.......................Murphee/Murphy/Murfee/Fayger....................wherever you are in Big Trouble with the British Lady and her Cohorts.

And with ME.


Junebug said...

I would report this to the FCC and your State PUC plus your State Attorney General. The FCC does have an online complaint form. It may take them a while but they do follow up. Until then see if your local telephone company can block that number. Good Luck with Daniel Murphy or whatever his name is.

El Gaucho said...

I know this was meant to vent some anger and frustration, but you made it so funny I had to laugh.

My strategy is the first time to calmly explain that they have the wrong # or that there's nobody here by that name, and to please not call again. The second time they call I tell them that this is the second time and that this is their final warning, and that the next time they call I will let loose with every screaming expletive and abusive language I know of until they stop calling. I'm unbelievably polite and make sure that I hear the sound of typing (so I know they're entering the information into the account).

Then once they call a third time, it's ON. And it's quite fun to scream and cuss and call someone names, quite cathartic. I almost never get a call after this step....

Alison said...

Wow! Much sympathy, Karen. I know how frustrating this kind of crap can be. We have a phone that allows us to enter certain numbers that will then be blocked. When that number calls us, the phone rings once and then nothing. Our answering machine does not pick up. I have no idea what it sounds or looks like to the person calling, but it is very satisfying to know that they are not bothering us any more.

Rosemary said...

I get a smile from your posts... everytime you make the most frustrating situations amusing. I have total sympathy with you automated phone calls are a pain right now I have a daily one from a more than helpfully company that wants to help me clear my credit debt..... of which I have none but do those bozos auomatinally listen.... Good luck on ridding yourself of the pests.

Kelsie From Our Country Home said...

My sympathies...We have gone thru this off and on for the past 7yrs for various names and ppl of both sexes.

Hope they get it sorted soon.
Blessings Kelsie

xoxoxo said...

Oh my! Hope they do not call back... but remember the people on the other end of the line aren't QUITE the enemy, so do not be too harsh.
I had an ex who owed mucho money after we parted to SEVERAL creditors(not my fault)...we had a car loan together... needless to say--they are still calling ME about him 7 yrs AFTER our break up...I call them back every time. Telling them He owes me more than he probably owes them, and to send him my way :P

Sandy said...

I can see your teeth clench and the grrrrrr, coming up through your head.. but keep this in mind. I worked for AT&T for a spell and when your name is taken off the call list it might take about 10 days to stop the calls.. it's programed into many computers. Be patient.
ok... now back to grrrrrrrr!
Take care

Zoey said...

You have my sympathy, Karen. How frustrating to run up from the basement only to find them on the line. I know, I have run up enough times myself only to have someone trying to sell me something. There must be someplace you can report them to.

I have had a call or two from collection agencies looking for a different person and when I told them that person did not live here, they apologized and never called me back. I hope that happens for you sometime soon!

Missy said...

How frustrating. A friend with a similar problem told me he asked to speak to the supervisor. When asked why, he said "Because I'm very upset and you don't get paid enough to hear what I'm about to say".
He used to work in a call centre and says at least the supervisors usually know what's going on.

Randy Emmitt said...


It only gets worse, you need to take more action on this. My last phone number got more calls for 10 years yes i said 10 years than I did. Even had the hospital call about an emergency responder going off several times. Finally I changed the number.

Karen said...

Many thanks for the invaluable tips and suggestions, everyone! Once again, it's nice to know I'm not the only one who has had this happen to them. I'm glad some of you found this amusing, because it was ment to be a goofy rant.

I have called the phone company about this and they're looking into it. Maybe with some luck Daniel Murphy will be nothing but a Dim Memory very soon.

(I'm still debating hunting him down and forcing him to pay his Pizza Delivery Tab, though.)

Jester said...

OMG Karen I can't stop LMAO!!!! Sorry!!! but being in the last days of school with final projects, final exams blahblah blah I've been way to tense & that just totally made me forget all the dumb crap I have yet to do....I'm still giggling...THANKS for makingmy day!!!!!
oh...& good luck with Mr Murphy & his "friends"!!!

Lona said...

Isn't that so aggravating? I get calls for an ex-husband that has not been here for years so I am thinking nothing has changed with him.LOL! I tell them they are about twenty years late on reaching him at this number. LOL!

Birds, Bees, Berries, and Blooms said...

My husband and I laughed so hard at your story. We had the same problem about 8 years ago. It is frustrating, but you made it pretty funny. I just found your blog and love your humor and your posts. I am a rock lover and showed my husband your rock garden. He was not impressed as it could mean he spends his summer driving around with the tractor while I load monster rocks in the scoop:) Thanks for sharing.