I Want Mom Jeans

I'm sorry, but what is the deal with jeans?

I stood in my local farm and garden store just before Christmas with literally hundreds of jeans from various makers stacked in their little particle board cubicles all staring back at me. There they were, in a limited range of colors, shades of blue and black, pre-washed or extra-dark-rinsed according to current fashion and taste.

Mid-rise, low-rise, at-the-waist, just-below-the-waist, lower-on-the-waist.......good grief.  Slender cut, boot cut, straight leg, slightly flared. Slender stretch, classic fit, skinny jeans, petite, medium, long.

I know what I want.

I'm 53 years old.

And I'm a mom twice over.

I want Mom Jeans.

 Is that asking too much?  I don't care if 'Mom Jeans' are SO out of fashion, I really don't. I want jeans that have a zipper longer than two inches and I want the waistband to be at my WAIST and not a mere whisper above my netherlands.

I know, I know, I'm 53, soon to be 54 and sigh, I probably shouldn't be wearing jeans anymore, especially in the current shape I'm in, but I have worn jeans virtually all of my life and I'm not gonna stop now.  They are what I'm comfortable in and that's the end of the story.  I could never get used to sweat pants, it just ain't gonna happen.  Spandex, jeggings, capris, what-have-you are not my forte'.  I just want denim.  Five pockets, please, no rhinestones, or pocket flaps to make my dented derriere look even bigger, no bizarre washes or rinses that make them look white in certain areas and darker in others, I don't need trendy, I need comfort and utility.  I want a dark rinse, because, believe me, after a summer of weeding and throwing rocks around, they will be stressed. 

I was doing my Leslie Sansone walking workout this morning and one thing I found so refreshing was the fact that not all the people in her video are a Size 0.  There are some ladies my size (gasp) and that means a lot to me.  The larger ladies were all properly covered with workout pants and shirts that met them at the waist.  The majority of the skinnier chicks were, of course, wearing the cropped tank tops and the low-rise workout pants.  Good for them, though I really can't see how low-rise is comfortable, even for skinny chicks.   Fat or thin, I would be constantly tugging my pants up and my shirt down.  But that's me.  And you all know I'm weird. 

Who really likes the low-rise jeans?  I read somewhere (yes, I actually did an online search for the answer) that low-rise is supposed to make the torso look longer and leaner by giving the illusion of a longer waist.  Really?  Well, maybe, if you're built like a ten year old boy.  But if you're built like me (and I have more in common with a Mack Truck) then low-rise spells disaster.  I'd best be wearing a t-shirt that comes down to my ankles so there will be no involuntary sightings of non-appetizing culinary confections.

You know what I'm talking about. Love-handles AKA the dreaded Muffin Top.  Or in my case, more like a Loaf Top.  I think even the menfolk out there will agree there's such a thing as a woman showing too much cleavage.   However, pardon me, (ahem) butt cleavage is Really Not Cool.  With all the old jokes about plumber's butt, why does the fashion world purposely set out to make it a much more common sight?  I saw a young girl bend down in the grocery store the other day and halfway up she had to drop the canned goods to rescue her modesty.  She was close to full-frontal (and rear-al) disaster.

When I bend over, I want my jeans to have my back side fully covered, thank you very much.  I do this for you, the unsuspecting public.  No one wants to see that.



Go put some Mom Jeans on.

(My apologies to Leslie Sansone, this is SO not her video!)