One Rhino of a Virus

I have a cold.  Boy, howdy, do I have a cold.  This one is a doozy and truly earns the coveted title of Rhinovirus.  It was a very sneaky rhino, too, and came on seemingly overnight.  I woke up on Wednesday with a slightly scratchy throat but it was minor, and went away.  Thursday morning I was a little stuffy, but not bad.  By Thursday afternoon, however, my head started to feel like an overinflated water balloon.   And by last night, I couldn't breathe through my nose at all.

That's when I started to speak a totally different language than the rest of the human race.

"Carl, couldth you path me the tithueth? By does juth keepth runnig."

No, I'm not speaking Old English but I do sound a bit like Jabberwocky---

"Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
  Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
  And the mome raths outgrabe."

Did anyone else have difficulty deciphering that poem back in school?    Maybe Lewis Carroll had a head cold when he wrote it?

No, what I said to Carl was: "Could you pass me the tissues?  My nose just keeps running." 

Figures, doesn't it, that my snozz is running rampant and getting an amazing aerobic workout, but the rest of me doesn't feel like following suit.  My nose is now so sore I have resorted to nose plugs.  You've never heard of them?  Well, you can make your own right in the comfort of your home, just take a tithue (tissue) and wad it up your snout on the offending side (or sides).  Super attractive, let me assure you. 

And then bedtime.  We all know the rules.  Drink plenty of fluids and rest.   Ha ha.  I think those two recommendations are rather paradoxical.  How can you rest when you have to traipse your captive rhino to the restroom every hour or so?  I was so completely stuffed up last night that the only relief was mouth-breathing.    Though it might come as a surprise to some of you, being a mouth-breather is not my usual habit.  I have found the practice leads to a very dry mouth which, of course, is alleviated by drinking more water, which in turn leads to the Potty Trail.

And then, for those of you who may or may not remember...I am a sleep apnea patient.  Or Impatient, as the case may be.  My weapon of choice in my fight for breathing at night is a CPAP machine.   I've had slight congestion before and was pleasantly surprised to find the CPAP machine helps somewhat by providing continuous positive air pressure.  It's been over a year since I've had the machine and I always wondered what it would be like trying to sleep with a bad head cold.  Last night, I found out.

I donned my mask and tried to regulate my breathing as best I could.  I wear a full-face mask and mouth-breathing can be a bit of a problem with that.  After a few frenzied seconds of trying to get enough air in my lungs to satisfy my hunger for oxygen I found the bigger problem was exhaling.  I just couldn't do it.  To Carl, lying next to me trying to sleep, it must have sounded like a rhinoceros was at a water hole in the African jungle, snorking up water from a mud puddle.   After five minutes, I could 'sort of' breathe on one nostril but exhalation was impossible unless I opened my mouth and raised the mask.


Carl was serenaded with a "S...N....O.....R.......R.......K........!!!!   WHOOSH!  GASP! routine for just about an hour before I gave up. Even though he protested I should stay in bed, he needed his sleep.  I headed for the living room and the interwebs.

Somewhere out there in cyberland there had to be an answer to how to sleep with CPAP and a Rhino.

On Cpap.talk I found a thread that was very helpful around 3AM this morning.  The suggestion was to raise the humidity level of my CPAP machine to the maximum and turn on the EPR.  For those of you who are not familiar with the lingo of the Sleep Apnea-challenged (you Lucky Dogs!!) EPR stands for Expiration Pressure Relief.  In other words, the machine backs off the air pressure so I could exhale more easily with each breath. 

Getting used to a CPAP is a long, drawn-out process, but I'm so glad I persevered with the machine.  It has made an amazing difference in my life, no more waking up with a horrible day-long headache, no traipsing to the bathroom five or six times a night, better thought clarity and the Dreams!  Oh, the dreams......how I missed dreaming.  Every night when I strap that hideous contraption on my face, I settle down in my pillows and just wait for the show to begin.  I have some really wild adventures in my dreams.  They're a hoot.

But anyway, getting back to my tale, as soon as Carl left for work at 5AM (I know, such hours, poor guy!) I crawled back in bed, fiddled with the settings on my CPAP and finally, blissfully, fell asleep for four hours.  I woke up feeling much better, but the stuffage returned as soon as I unhooked the mask.  One look in the mirror confirmed the worst, this is definitely rhino-related.  I look just like one.  My nose is red, my face is swollen and one eye keeps tearing up.  Along with the V-shaped indentation from my sleep apnea mask, homemade nasal plug and mouth-breathing, yeah, I'm a sight to behold.

 

Look away........I'm hideous!!